Breaking up is hard to do

Saying you will never meet anyone seems petulant and childish to most people. When I used to say it at the age of 20 it was considered ridiculous, or worse, a self fulfilling prophesy: if I was alone it would be my own fault because I was putting all this negative energy out there, which my potential boyfriends would pick up on and run a mile.

I'm nearly 30 now and haven't had a meaningful relationship in that time. But that's not because I'd closeted myself off 10 years ago. In fact I've been as persistent in the search for someone as anyone could be. 

Of course people would tell me that looking is a sure fire way to never find him. "It'll come along when you're not looking". Just how I always find my keys/underwear/remote when I'm not looking? 

I understand the logic in both conclusions. Undoubtedly if every time I'm on a date I tell the guy I'm going to die alone he's going to get mixed messages, and possibly see me as harder work than he'd like: why should he have to convince me we're together?  And we probably do find our keys when we're not looking, and also miss things right under our nose when we're frantically, fanatically ripping apart the sofa (I've never heard of anyone actually throwing a baby out with the bath water, but you get the point).


But they're both easy platitudes that get tossed out when people want to say something to help, and the reality is that they come across as sounding superior.  Being on your own can make you feel lonely, and ultimately lead you to feel a lack of worth.  Continual rejection from dates tends to exacerbate those feelings, and also do irreparable damage to your confidence and ability to put yourself out there again.  Eventually one can find oneself treading down the path towards depression, which is a difficult place to leave.

We need to find compassion for one another, and respect the feelings of pain that being single and being rejected can bring.  It may be better to tell someone you understand, and that you're there for them, rather than try to offer advice.

So in giving up on love, it is no surprise that the first step will be hard, because it will be a compounding of many of these emotions, and feel like opening a large void.  But the step is one of compassion for oneself; it is realising that all the pain over all those years has been hard, and you are making a positive choice to look after yourself.

You are saying goodbye to a wish for someone else to come with love, and hello to loving yourself.

Become love, and you will never be without it again.

By way of an introduction...

As one who has spent many unhappy years trying to find a relationship, I am well acquainted with the miseries of dating, and the continual slog of 'putting yourself out there'.  Wherever there is.

And while I have repeatedly tried to be okay on my own, it has been extremely difficult, and often quite distressful, because at no point have I really chosen to be on my own.  I had a friend some years back who said he was happy on his own, and in many respects preferred it.  However, that was never my situation, and so I am entirely understanding of those who find singledom a deeply depressing place.

For those that watched Ally McBeal in the late 1990s, you will be aware of the concept of a "theme song", something that plays in your head to lift you out of a difficult mood or circumstance.  I eventually settled some years back on The Carpenters' Goodbye To Love.  An unusual choice perhaps, but one that I have found empowering in moments of inner crisis.

The reason why it may seem odd is the assumption that the song is an absolutist adieu to amore.  On the contrary, it's more an acceptance of a current loveless state, along with all the associated woes, allowing that a love may present itself in the future, but that future being some time away, the protagonist will right now choose to live without the suffering of a consuming yearning.

Many out there are unaware of what it is to really feel that loneliness day after day, and by that I mean actually feel it, as though it were a piece of unpleasant food to be painfully digested repeatedly.  Undoubtedly I will talk more on that in due course.

For now I will simply introduce those of you who don't know it to the song, and wish you all the greatest success in finding your own singular happiness.

Carpenters – Goodbye To Love Lyrics

I'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by
And all I know of love is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it

So I've made my mind up
I must live my life alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess I've always known
I'd say goodbye to love

There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine
Surely time will lose these bitter memories
And I'll find that there is someone to believe in
And to live for
Something I could live for

All the years of useless search
Have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty days will be my only friend
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can

What lies in the future
Is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls
There may come a time when I will see that
I've been wrong
But for now this is my song

And it's goodbye to love

I'll say goodbye to love